Off The Record
After reflection, i decided to repost something i published a couple of months ago while in Poland but which i selfcensored due to the misunderstanding it could have generated. It was about the unintentional social pressure that i was feeling at that time resulting from people's expressed curiosity when seeing the peculiar creature that i am :). But now i would trade anything for a week in Fordon... :)
Here's the text:
Bydgoszcz, November 14
Yes, i have the blues... not because of the depressing cold weather, nor the fact that daytime here is a rumor (dark at 7 am and darker at 4.30 pm), not because i'm tired of my white 4m2 room's walls that remind me of the days -and God knows how many- spent in hospitals in Morocco, not even because of the fact that i'm left with less than 100 PLN Zloty (equivalent to $30) to survive for the next 2 weeks. I have the blues because i'm reminded everyday that i'm different... yeah we're all different, but here i feel (or "they" make me feel) more different than others,to the point that i get stressed everytime i'm thinking of doing what "normal" people do ; it strats at the airport and goes on when buying bus tickets or a finding a seat on the bus, asking for directions, time, or phone numbers:),answering the phone, opening the door to some random guy, let alone laughing, or even yawning!!! my heart starts to beat fast, i lose my words my good manners and sometimes my temper... i just feel like a red fish in a fish bawl; everyone sees it, trapped in some transparent bawl that it thinks unexistent, everyone is bigger, and more powerful... it's some kind of an Orwellian experience in post 9/11 Alabama... if you see what i mean...
Labels: moods
12 Comments:
i've been there once! i know how it feels; and i understand that it is nothing mean from you ;).
First off all I'm realy touched with your post and I also understand you in feeling diffrent. The second thing is that we miss you like hell out here brother! For me it means a lot when you called us your family. About the nickname... There was a "kit kat" commercial with a jamaican guy with a talking parrot on his arm and Batrass and me can talk with it's voice making it all funny. Cheers mate! :-)
This is Poland, unfortunately...
I hope neither me nor my friends made you feel that way...
Best wishes :)
I perfectly understand...When we were in Bosnia-Herzegovina with my friend D.,he was the only black in town.It was horrible for him,he felt to bad at the beginning. And even though the looks were friendly,he still wished he could disappear!
Fortunately,you stood there patiently. And look at the result...
xoxo
PS/ when are we gonna have coffee?WITH books ^_^
Yeah, I see your point. I have sometimes the same. Then I start thinking about any possibilities that my face has changed since I saw it in the mirror 15 minutes ago.
We were looking at you not because of differences, but because you're handsome! It was nice to look at you, but even nicer talk with you :D:D:D
Daviss# that sounds like a cool story :) and the Jamaican guy's commercials are great
Aga# it was really good spending time with you and your friends and Beata :). I miss the Barka times as well
Najlae# yeah, a little empathy would make our lives easier. i can't deny that looks coming from "ljins latif" were desired :)) . coffee?? anytime, anywhere you desire ma chere. i'll give you a call by tuesday inchallah
doughnut# it's really great to see you on my blog :). thanx for your sweet comment, and i hope that the boys are taking care of you the way they would take care of you when i'm around :). Daviss, watch out :))
ohhh I miss the Barka times too...:)
Beata, Marta and Agata give their regards to you:)
At first I thought it's so wrong - to make ppl feel like this but actually it's so natural! and as we say, what is natural is not harmful! It's just our inner strenght to overcome it.
I have sometimes had moments where my colour makes me nervous. Walking through crowds of tens of thousands of people and realising I am so obviously the only one that physically looks different is a surreal experience. At times like that I used a huge smile as my first way of communicating. Cheers for re-posting this man, it's interesting.
Cheers
W
Salam!
I'm glad you posted this again :)
I understand that the experience was very challenging, but seems it was worth it :):)
The few details I could get about your experience from you and from the reactions I'm reading here are enough to show how well you did.
So proud of you! ;)
N.B: I've checked the link. Very nice pictures :)
oh hi Amine. oh, I;m youur student from Poland too. I like your lessons a lot. u're a really great guy. :D
Hi dear, I just wanna tell you that you are certenly diffrent. Taht's because you are special.
Take care of yourself and enjoy every special moment in your special life.
Big kiss
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